I took Julian to the doctor this morning to have his two warts removed. He couldn’t be more excited to get rid of those things. One of them is on his thumb (he’s named it Spikey!) and has gotten very big and painful (because he bites on it ). The doc posed three options for treatment. 1) Numb the area w/ a little shot and scrape it out, 2) freeze off, 3) topical cream for three months. He already had freezing them off in his mind, so when I wanted to trump with the first option, he was freaked out. The risk of the freezing is that after the blister forms, the wart could reform around the blister. He didn’t care, and eventually we agreed on the freeze option, with the understanding that we would return for the first option if they did come back.

The doctor tried to distract him while he was doing the freezing, but Julian was entranced by the growing white “snowballs” on his fingers. And while the freezing didn’t hurt, as soon as they began to thaw his fingers began to burn. The warts are still there, but as the blister beneath them forms, they will be lifted and eventually fall off.

We stopped at Starbucks for a doughnut on our way to his school, where he used his fingers as gingerly as he could. I’m looking forward to seeing him tonight, hoping his fingers feel better.

We had a much better weekend with our girl than in days past. We decided to stick with a healthy diet of time-outs, for almost every single offense. Name calling (“dumb ol’ baby-mama!”, saying mean things (like she doesn’t want Julian’s stinky butt sitting on her chair that she’s not using), not stopping when someone begs for relief, hitting and fake-hitting (imagine her lunging at you, swatting the air), kicking (she nailed Julian in the nose last night, although he didn’t think it was on purpose, she admitted that it was)… And it was difficult, but enough is enough. She fought the consequences, and increased her time sitting out, but after every one, she knew why she was there, what she should or shouldn’t do next time, and ended with an apology.

Oh, and also, Daniel and I think we need to spend more time with them. More time filling their tank with attention. We get so stuck in our busy routine that we forget how these little people of ours are simply along for the ride; they have no control of their day and what goes on. And while we can give them little bits of control, the best thing we can do right now is make a point of spending quality time with them. Just 10-15 minutes a night, doing whatever they want to do. Giving them our full attention. I think this will make a difference.

I just needed her to threaten to break my spirit in order to climb out of my funk.

She is not what I imagined; is that my fault? Have I done something in raising her so far, that has hardened her to sweetness? Is she immune to my pleas, and the pleas of her big brother, whom she torments? My nice-mama voice doesn’t work, my crazy lady voice doesn’t work, reasoning doesn’t work, spanking doesn’t work.

When I window shop for her, I see beautiful little outfits and adorable little shoes and headbands, and i want to dress her up. i want to put her in the clothes i love and make her look as perfectly sweet as i wish she would be. I am grateful that my little girl has fire inside her, I know that will keep her strong when she gets bigger. But right now? I want the sweet, soft, and snuggable four year old that I fantasize about.

I am a little beaten down today, after weeks of awful morning routine, sprinkled with awful bedtime routines, and car rides into work filled with whining and complaining. Is my baby girl not happy? Why isn’t she happy? Why, when I ask her what makes her happy, she says “nothing”? I know in my heart that it is right now that she needs the most hugs and kisses, she needs the most attention and praise. But she is breaking me down these weeks, and today I’m spent.

I remember when mornings were terrible with Julian a few years ago; so it’s not completely new to me. But of course, this is a different little person and her terrible times are her own. I want my baby girl to appreciate the good things in her life, and I don’t know how to help her do that. I show her the little things, I rise above myself and hug her when I’m flaming mad, we stop and smell roses together, I praise the good things she does, I laugh and dance with her, but I’m having a hard time identifying the good results, when all I can see is a grumpy little girl who leaves scratches on my arms, who throws a remote control at her papa’s face, who hits, pinches, and bites Julian, who “hugs” Isaac so tight and/or roughly that he falls down almost every time.

Where is the sweet girl of my dreams? Where is my list of happy things she does? Am I to just plow through this stage, flinching, as my Layla fights through her fours? I want to help her through it, whatever it is, but I don’t know how. Praying that I figure it out before I ruin her or she ruins me.

On the nights that Isaac wakes and can’t fall back asleep on his own, I will bring him into our bed, nurse him for a few minutes (unless I fall asleep, and then it may be longer!), and then usually bring him back to his bed at some point in the night, so that he can sleep longer than the time we all wake up for the day. And this works for us, but sometimes I just want my sweet baby to sleep with me, next to me, between Daniel and me, NOT attached to me. Well until last night, he hasn’t done that. He may sleep there for a little but, but when he wakes up, he screeches and starts climbing maniacally over me trying to escape to who knows where. When he doesn’t settle down I bring him to his bed, where he will cry for 2 breaths, and then fall asleep. Well last night, he slept with us without the craziness! When he awoke between Daniel and me, he did climb around, but rather than going nuts, he settled himself on my head. Where he slept for the entire night. He would move around and get comfy throughout the night, but always ended on his tummy with knees tucked under and his face on my cheek. It was one of the best, lightly slept nights I’ve had in a long time.

Corn bread, cabbage, black eyed peas, and pork roast to bring luck to 2012!